I read Jhumpa Lahiri's Namesake again today, and it left me feeling depressed. Im not sure why, coz I have read it before and it didnt really bother me that much. But today, I really felt sad. (This could also be coz day after is my last last last day ever at work). No, thats probably not the reason. I think Im one of those pple who want happy endings for everything. I dont like sad movies, Im not too fond of realism. Basically, I want everything to be okay and forever to remain so. It never is that way in reality. It depresses me that the book depicts so little feeling in the protagonists, is it so easy to fall in and out of love. Is it just a farce, being in love, so to say. Is it really something you just do, and then when your out of the initial heady feeling, does it graduaally turn into something more of a comfort kinda deal. i.e are you comfortable with the peron.   Does the bickering, the being nasty (there is no such word, i know), the backbiting, the taunting does it all  build into resentment and ultimately lead to an incompatibility, with the same person who u thought as most compatible. Or does the fact that it becomes so that you have nothign to say to each other, nothing to talk about, it become so that you dont feel anything, you drift away, what you feel is just an emptiness, not hate nor love just an indifference. I would imagine that is the worst kind of feeling that a relationship can degenerate to. Even when you are sure, can you ever be completely sure? i dont know.  I think I got the same kind of feeling when I read some book of Steele's, the only book of hers that I have read. The story basically is about a married couple, who have to live in different cities coz of their jobs and slowly they start to drift apart, and find themselves falling in love with other pple. In the end , they end up with those who they fell in love with. So, it is happy so to say, everyone is happy at the end of the book. But, I am not.  It scares me that two pple who were happy together, can become so unhappy together too, so as to not want to be with one another anymore. Its sad. I know, such is life and the sooner I accept it, hopefully the happier ill be.

so i finally resigned today. for maybe five mins ok make that ten, i felt sad. after which, mean lady walked in and the feeling disappered. im glad.  The big B, also know as , boss gave a farewell speech on how quickly i caught up and how helpful ive been and been a good team member. i hate that word, really. neway, then pple were asked to say something in my shaan mein kasida. everyone started staring at each other. oen of my most embarassing moments. finally, the analyst, she will forever go down in my good books, goes yea shes going to a top uni we will miss her, then big B is like which uni, and then he started on how he knows the faculty there and i could get in touch with them. i would rather not u know, especailly when i start flunking i would rather not know.

then later, at the farewell snack-lunch watever, mean lady comes up to me and says its been so good working with you. i cant make out if pple are lieing or wat. then other pple go how were going to miss our car lift. i really hope theyre joking. and then some others oh i never realized ur e leaving, excuse me i have to attend this important call. i dont feel very loved. ill probably miss a few pple, but not for long too. which is a bit sad, coz these pple have been part of my life for 8 months or so and its sad that i dont feel much regret.

no matter wat, i  love u and will always, stupid.

khwabon ki yei duniya hai khwabon mein hi rehna hai

rahei leijaye jahan sang sang chalna hai 

 

kuch bhi ho jayei yahan bas khush rehna hai

manzil lagei kareeb sabko yahan phir

leijayei naseeb kis ko kahan pei

kareijo bhi dil lagei thik  yahan par

its a world of dreams we have to continue living in our dreams

wherever

 our paths take us , we keep going

watever happens, just try to be happy

the destination seems so close to everyone from here

who knows where ure future will take u

do watever the heart feels.


Lyrics from Page 3 *my translation is not accurate*

I saw the televised version of the royal wedding today. I guess its kinda romantic that after 35 years their love has prevailed and they can finally get married. I guess the process in going about was wrong, but then whom am I to judge when I dont even know the whole story. I wish them well. We watched pretty much all of it, all the while my mom getting super enthusiastic when she saw someone South Asian. We were looking out for the Rajmata (the queen of jaipur) who was supposedly going for it. we didnt see her though. i saw mr bean, though. I think the hats they wore were kinda cool. I wish i can wear a hat to my wedding, maybe not those overtly feathery kinds. but some hat. i probably wont so why write about wishes which will never happen. i wish to get married in an open air mosque (i.e one with no roof) in some hilly place.

ok and the trend continues. my planets are not aligned correctly. neway my latest 'panga' (fight) so to say is with ML (also known as mean lady).

Scenario a:

Manager A: What are you doing. Focus on thsi work, get this done ( This consituting as shit entry level work which will lie pending and pending for years and years until a wide eyed fresh graduate appears on the scene. )

Me: Ok.



Manager B : What are you doing. Why are you doing all the work for the other department. Dont take any work until checking with me.

Me(Thinkng): Yea Im like dieing to do work for them. 

Me (Saying ) : OK


Manager A: Why isnt this done.

Me : Coz Manager B asked me to check with her first.

Manager A: No u have to check with me first.

Me(Thinking): This is going to be a long day.


Mean Lady: Do this do this do this do this and do this ( This at the time being 6:00 evening where normal sane pple go home and hopefully hope to have a life)

Me: Ok, umm ML u know like the manager asked me to not take on any non my work stuff.

ML: Oh ok u have a problem with it huh huh huh. (u can substitute with u want to piece of me lets take this outside)

Me: (Looking kinda shocked now) (meekly sounding) : no i have no problem

ML: Do you have a problem with that. IF you have a problem u can go to Head Manager and explain why u have the problem coz he asked me to give it to YOU

Me: (thinking) whats her problem whats with the obnoxiousness. i hate it when pple are unprofessional and rude just coz their frustrated. maybe i should ask him

Me: Fine.

Me(Thinking): Why do I let myself bullied so easily. Why cant I stand up for my rights. Why cant I just barge into the Head Managers office and say heres my resignation. I hate this job. I wish I could do that. I would if I didnt have to explain myself to anyone. But I have to. So i dont, and then I seethe from within. I have to learn to say NO. starting form today I m going to say NO to one thing every day. and that doesnt include having to answer 'you want a drink with that'.

i really am angry, problem is : i dont know why. i d like to think i have a reason to be so. but, i really dont have one. i wish i did have one. u know sometimes, u make some decisions thinking they are the correct ones and rite uve made ure decision and ure happy now. after some time u think, but wait is this really wat u want? u try to look over and u try to think over and try to pinpoint the problems. problem is there isnt any, then why are u looking for one? Is it coz uve been so attuned to having a problem to solve when there isnt one u want to create one or rather look for a problem to solve.

i feel angsty. i really do. and i really dont know wat i can do to get rid of this feeeling. ive been feeling lately for the past week. it just makes me hate the world and its odd coz things are going well and im happy at work, sort of at least and im doing good stuff now where i can say hey i know what ure talking about but its not the kind of leap that i was looking for nor the kind of responsibility or position that i wanted.

i have a bunch of colleageues who tend to dump on me work which really noone wants to do. i wish i were like the guy next cubicle who would stand up say hey how come he doesnt have to do the report is he some senior most. i dont have guts to do that. so i take the shit. and then i suffer inside . im just a real coward. i try to do ti the gandhian way of rebelling without really saying nething but not doing the work but then it never goes away, in my head i feel guilty that i didnt do it, even though i nodded or gave a glance making them presume that i would. i have serious issues, i know. but, i really want to tell them at some point im not ure secretary if u re in so dire need of one jsut hire one or just quit coz ure not able to do ure work efficiently enough.

sometiems it just appals me bad behavior. really. pple hate being told wat not to do. and they hate being told wat to do, when its not even their work. my colleague today got told off by the IT guy, i -showed-u-this-before-why-cant-u-get-it. she never admits that she has the capacity to forget, instead looks at me and goes are u absorbing like it was my work and i forgot and so she had to do it. LIKE HELLO!. Im majorly annoyed at her.  i get really scared of pple like that. pple who would amplify ure mistakes and then scream it to the world. and if their mistake they would want to pass the buck on to u. well im tired of it and have decided not to take any shit like that. thats it. next time lady watch out im going to..i m going to... img oing to .. walkaway. HAH. that would make u mad!

Death is not for the young, not for the old (but for all)